Murphy's cop laws
Bullet Proof vests aren't.
The bigger they are, the harder they fall. They punch, kick and choke harder too.
The speed at which you respond to a fight call is inversely proportional to how long you've been a cop.
Tear gas works on cops too, and regardless of wind direction, will always blow back in your face.
High speed chases will always proceed from an area of light traffic to an area of extremely heavy traffic.
If you know someone who tortures animals and wets the bed, he is either a serial killer or he works for Internal Affairs.
Placing a gun back in a shoulder holster with your finger on the trigger will cause you to walk with a limp.
Flash suppressors don't really.
If you have `cleared' all the rooms and met no resistance, you and your entry team have probably kicked in the door of the wrong house.
If a cop swings a baton in a fight, he will hit other cops more often than he will hit the bad guys he swings at.
Domestic arguments will always migrate from an area of few available weapons (living room), to an area with many available weapons (kitchen).
Bullets work on veteran cops too. They also work on weight lifters, martial arts experts, department marksmen, Narco Investigators, S.W.A.T. jocks, and others who consider themselves immortal.
When a civilian sees a red light approaching at a high rate of speed, he will always pull into the lane the cop needs to use.
If you drive your patrol car to the geometric center of the Gobi Desert, within five minutes some dumb civilian will pull along side you and ask for directions.
You can never drive slow enough to please the citizens who don't need a cop, and you can never drive fast enough to please the ones who do.
Any suspect with a rifle is a better shot than any cop with a pistol.
From behind you, the bad guys can see your night sights as well as you can.
On any call, there will always be more `bad guys' than there are good guys, and the farther away your back-up, the more there will be.
The longer you've been a cop, the shorter your flashlight and your temper gets.
Whatever you are about to do, if there is a good chance it will get you killed, you probably shouldn't do it.
You should never do a shotgun search of a dark warehouse with a cop whose nickname is "Boomer."
The better you do your job, the more likely you are to be shot, injured, complained on, sued, investigated, or subpoenaed on your day off.
If a large group of drunk bikers is "holed-up" in a house, the Department will send one officer in a beat car. If there is one biker "holed-up" in a house, they will send the entire S. W. A. T. Team.
Murphy's war laws
Friendly fire - isn't.
Recoilless rifles - aren't.
Suppressive fires - won't.
You are not Superman; Marines and fighter pilots take note.
A sucking chest wound is Nature's way of telling you to slow down.
If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid.
Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo and not want to waste a bullet on you.
If at first you don't succeed, call in an air strike.
If you are forward of your position, your artillery will fall short.
Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.
Never go to bed with anyone crazier than yourself.
Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.
If your attack is going really well, it's an ambush.
The enemy diversion you're ignoring is their main attack.
The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions:
when they're ready.
when you're not.
No OPLAN ever survives initial contact.
There is no such thing as a perfect plan.
Five second fuses always burn three seconds.
There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.
A retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping.
The Ol' Ranger's addendum:
Or else they're trying to suck you into a serious ambush!
The important things are always simple; the simple are always hard.
The easy way is always mined.
Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy other people to shoot at.
Don't look conspicuous; it draws fire. For this reason, it is not at all uncommon for aircraft carriers to be known as bomb magnets.
Never draw fire; it irritates everyone around you.
If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in the combat zone.
When you have secured the area, make sure the enemy knows it too.
Incoming fire has the right of way.
No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.
No inspection ready unit has ever passed combat.
If the enemy is within range, so are you.
The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
Things which must be shipped together as a set, aren't.
Things that must work together, can't be carried to the field that way.
Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support.
Radar tends to fail at night and in bad weather, and especially during both.)
Anything you do can get you killed, including nothing.
Make it too tough for the enemy to get in, and you won't be able to get out.
Tracers work both ways.
If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will get more than your fair share of objectives to take.
When both sides are convinced they're about to lose, they're both right.
Professional soldiers are predictable; the world is full of dangerous amateurs.
Military Intelligence is a contradiction.
Fortify your front; you'll get your rear shot up.
Murphy's volunteer bushfire brigade laws
Don't look conspicuous. When you’re dealing with the public it draws stupid questions. Back on Station it draws Crew Leaders
There is always an easy way
The easy way usually results in more damage done than less or is blocked by a large, pissed off dog who hasn't eaten in a week
When dealing with the public try to look unimportant, They may go and find someone else to ask that stupid question to
Falling trees have the right of way
Uniforms only come in two sizes, too small and too large
If your Captain can see you then so can the public
Never worry about the falling tree branch with your name on it. Instead, worry about the falling tree addressed, "To whom it may concern"
If orders can be misunderstood, they have been
It isn't necessary to be an idiot to be a senior officer, but it sure helps
Crew Leaders, not GOD, make priorities. There’s a difference
Never stand when you can sit, never sit when you can lie down, never stay awake when you can sleep
Never tell the Captain or Deputy Captain you have nothing to do
Crew leaders and above never watch until you make a mistake
One Crew leader is never enough but two is entirely too many
A clean and dry set of overalls is a magnet for mud and rain
The worse the weather, the more you are required to be out in it
The more an item of equipment costs, the farther you have to send it away to be repaired
Field experience is something you don't get until just after you need it
Interchangeable parts don't, leak proof seals will and self - starters won’t
The item of equipment that usually won’t start or jams when you need it the most is the pump
You aren't Superman
If it's stupid but it works, it ain't stupid
The important things are always simple
The simple things are always hard:
Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last and don't ever volunteer to do anything
The more stupid the leader is, the more important tasks he is ordered to carry out
The self-importance of a Deputy Captain is inversely proportional to his actual importance in the chain of command
Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when the Fire Control Officer is watching
As soon as you are served hot food in the field, it rains
If only one solution can be found for a field problem, then it is usually a stupid solution
CHAOS = Chiefs have arrived on scene